It started off with me tossing and turning and tossing and turning till finally I got up at 5:30. I don't know why I couldn't sleep. I ended up getting on the computer and that didn't interest me. Finally after looking on my phone and playing with it I drifted back off to sleep. Sigh. I eventually woke up and started folding a bag of sheets that had been washed two weeks before. I hate folding linen. Not long after that a friend came over who ditched work and we wound up going to vote together. One hour and 24 minutes of wait time but it was worth it. After I was done BF picked me up and we were off to do our errands. He bought a load of crap that I needed and didn't need (Halloween Candy) but all in all I was happy with that. Tell me why when we got home "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" was on the tv and I bussed out crying. Why? Because my Mom faithfully watched every Charlie Brown show and Christmas show with me every year and right then and there I missed my Mom dearly. Right then and there I was a little girl all over again. I had an emotional meltdown on BF and he gave me the words and all to soothe me but deep down I just wanted him to hold me like a baby. I know I cried for at least 20 minutes and I just don't know where that came from but I guess I needed it. Even at 42 I still want my mother like I'm 5. You don't get over that and you don't just say ok I'm past that. What makes it worse is when folks tell you she will always be with you. Sigh I know but she is not physically here. I can't dig her up out the ground and be here for me. Everyone comes to me for advice, an ear, a big mama hug because I have huge arms, or to be the strong one but dammit sometimes I need the same. Sometimes I'm just that lil girl named Glen and I just can't deal. When are people going to understand that? Probably never.
Are you in my mind Glenda. This is how I feel sometimes. Let me tell you. Meltdowns are allowed. Believe me. Everybody needs something from you and I know you are like me and try your darndest to help but sometime we need that encouraging word, that huge hug and that ear that will listen and not judge. Yes your mom is always with you in spirit but sometimes you just want to hear her voice, feel her touch etc.
ReplyDeleteFlorence it was awful. I was a big ole blithering idiot and he let me be that for as long as I needed to. Unfortunately this is a bond that you and I share so I know you know how it is.
ReplyDeleteWow...I can't understand. Won't pretend to. I know it's not the same, but my grandmother, with whom I lived with for most of my childhood, died this year. The worse thing I had said to me? "She was 81...she wasn't going to live forever." Yea...
ReplyDeleteShe was my favorite person in the world. No one understood me nor loved me like she did. Like you, folks come to me...but, who do I go to that REALLY gets what I need? A piece of me has gone missing...that was your MOM. There are no words. (((hugs)))
I dont have any incredible words of wisdom or advice for you besides to hold on to the dear memories of your mom and be happy in knowing that you have mommy moments to hold on to and to remember her by...
ReplyDeleteRight now that's all I have is memories and yes they are dear to me.
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